My life; Transcribed

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you

Counting the footsteps praying the floor won’t fall through; again

My mother accused me of losing my mind but I swore I was fine

You’d paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain

And I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules every day

Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight

Dear Matt,

I should’ve known.

Which path to take is sometimes more complicated than you would think. How did we get here? How did this come to be, and where do we go from here?

is so close i can taste it.

Sometimes I feel so displaced from reality. It’s like I’m here but i’m gone. My life is moving in so many different directions I don’t know which way to turn or glance.Moving Forward…my career has taken a shift in the right direction. For the first time in my life I feel grounded in a place that I know I’m meant to be in. It’s been a hell of time the last few years struggling to put myself in a place that I know I can do some real good and create some change. I’m finally appreciated and entrusted enough that I have the knowledge, talent and where with all to do what I need to do and not be questioned. I’m given space to spread my wings and go with the flow. I’ve been given such credit and empowerment in the last few months than I have my entire life. My boss is not only that but she gives me hope and inspires me to know that I have what it takes to take this position as a learned tool, get from it what I can and move forward and onward to bigger and better things. I’ve only been there a few months but I’ve already been entrusted to take on director responsibilities. They’re creating a new title for me in the near future because they believe in me that much. I’ve never had that before.

Moving Backwards. In the last year I’ve lost 65 pounds. No small task. But in the last few months I’ve been slipping. I’ve had so much stress and such a busy schedule between DHMAS trainings and committee meetings and my case load, I haven’t had the time. I can slowly feel myself slipping back into my bad habits. Not cooking as healthy as I’m used to, not feeling the excitement when I wake up in the morning to go to the gym, I used to love it, now I loathe it. I didn’t do it for anyone but myself this time, thats where I always failed. I always try to do things for others and not for myself, sometimes I wish I could figure out why I do that, why I don’t put myself first. How can I not see in me what others do? Why can’t I let go of the terrors and insecurities of my past and just push forward instead of sabotaging myself.

Standing Still. I know what I need to do and I can’t find the courage within myself to do it. I love you with everything I have and am. I never expected to have to move on from you, I gave you my whole heart without ever having an intention of asking for it back. In all honesty if i’m being truthful with myself, I don’t want it back. I entrusted you with the most important part about me, my feelings. I feel everything so greatly and so deeply, and you get me. You and I have been through so much together, and I know that you love me, in your own way. The problem with that is for me, its not enough. I can’t expect you to be there for me in the ways that I want you to be there for me knowing that you can’t and don’t possess the ability to. So why is it when I try to prepare myself to move on, I feel guilty? I feel like i’m taking something from you, when in reality i’m just doing something for me. I always want you in my life and right now I’m just stuck in this limbo of what we are. Struggling to see the definition in the lines that we cross each and every day. Do I let go or do I keep holding on to the one thing I value more than anything else in the world?; you. I always have fought for what I believe in and for what I want, but what if this time both of those are a fruitless path? I’m not sure what to do anymore or how to feel, all I know is it’s making me into a reckless mess.

There are many pathways in life. Some are stagnant, some have the ability to transform you. All you can do is go with it and hope for the best, and I continue to do so every single day.